this is no love letter:

May. 28th, 2017 10:12 pm
traitortoheaven: (don't need your shit right now [silver])
[personal profile] traitortoheaven
I do not forgive you.

I suppose those five words are harsh, but they are true nonetheless. I'm not going to cushion the blow for you. I spent almost seven years doing that, and it damn near dragged me to ruin. Sugarcoating things never helped. Then again, neither did telling the truth. Perhaps there were times where it seemed like it did, but ultimately it was for nothing. It for nothing, because nothing ever changed. You never changed, and honestly I still wonder if you even can.

Not that it much matters. I don't intend to ever be around to see if you do. Not now, not ever.

Here's the thing. You never had the right to approach me to see if we could rekindle things. I slammed the door on you, not the other way around. I'm the one who made it absolutely clear that I wanted nothing to do with you. Do you realize what this means? It means if rekindling were to happen, it should be on me and me alone to initiate such. Not you.

And you know what? I'm not going to initiate it. I absolutely don't want you back in my life.

I wonder if you will ever understand how destructive and abusive you were to me. No, not just to me -- to so many of our mutual friends. We're still reeling from all you did, you know. I wonder if that hurts you. Part of me wants to believe you have enough of a heart to be hurt by it, but the part of me that was burned over and over, that watched those I love be burned over and over... it's not as willing to believe.

Another thing I'll say is that I'm not at all sorry for what my friends did a year ago. However, I will say that they acted upon their own accord. I sure didn't send them after you. Most of them have been holding things to say to you ever since we were still together, after all. I didn't have to send them after you, and the fact that you believe it was some kind of lynch mob against you speaks volumes of how little you care about the damage you did to me and others. A couple of hours of "harassment" is nothing, nothing, compared to the emotional and financial distress you put on me and the people around me. And you know what? All any of us had to do was tell the truth about what you did to us, unlike the bold faced lies your friend had to make up just to try to make me feel bad (by the way, he was so off mark that he didn't really make me feel bad at all, sorry to say.)

And if you and your friends want to consider this "harassment," go ahead, but that would be a ridiculous accusation. Not once have I used your name, and if my friends go after you again? Well... know that it would not be with my knowledge or my consent.

You isolated me. You made me feel guilty for having a life outside of you. I dropped everything for you so many times, but it was never enough. I ignored my friends telling me how toxic it was for me because I loved you that deeply. I let you make my mother's loss your own pity party and put aside my own grieving to take care of you. I was there for you whenever you felt like collapsing, but the one time I wanted to throw my life away, you told a mutual friend that I was her problem. I gave, and gave, and gave, only for you to leave when I needed you most. Because somehow, some way, it was "for [my] own good." And all of that? Yeah, all of that is to say nothing about how you allowed the aforementioned friend who went off on me with the most outlandish claims dictate how our relationship was supposed to be (thus making me feel pressured and forced to do things I didn't feel comfortable with doing because I didn't want you to think I was going to leave you if I didn't. Or, you know, the out-of-line remarks you made about our mutual friend (who was a minor at the time.) You did a lot of rotten things, things I can't let go, things I have a right to still be upset and unforgiving over.

Well. I'll give you one thing, I suppose-- ultimately, it was for the best that you moved away. Cutting you out of my life after you left was the healthiest thing I've ever done for myself.

If you still want to do what's right by me, please consider listening to what Kay told you a year ago: send the money you owe to the people who were kind enough to rent out their apartment to you. It's the least you can do, especially with the sorry state you left it in. We have photographic evidence of that, by the way, so no one can claim we're talking out of our asses.

That's all I will accept from you. The only thing you can expect to accept from me are your belongings back, and that's ONLY if someone else gives me the forwarding address. Hell, even this is probably too generous to offer in the eyes of those who love and care about me-- I expect at least five messages from my friends asking what the hell I think I'm doing by even making this entry.

But this is the closure you so desired at one point, is it not? This. This is it, and it's not even so much for your peace of mind as it is for mine, because after everything I did for your sake? I've earned the right to care about myself just a little.

And I know you. In another year or so, you will probably ask to be my friend again. I watched you do this with other people, I expect it to be no different from me despite last time's backlash. Just know that it isn't wanted, and I will not accept it. I will never accept it.

Goodbye, and I hope you can change for yourself.



May. 16th, 2017 06:16 pm
tragician: (Default)
[personal profile] tragician
This is just for my own reference so feel to ignore.

15kisses )

whole new world )


fandomwar: (Default)

May 2017


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